goodbye, california: move part 1

my last post of 2013 expanded on the crushing heartbreak i felt about moving.

my first post of 2014 is an apathetic hello from our new home.  but ill save the apathy for later.  for now, this is the in-between-the-old-and-the-new-home post.  or, one of them.

during december, brian worked from denver while i stayed home in ca, doing my thing and trying to pack.  that didnt really happen, to be honest [and i felt lots of bad-wife guilt for that but whatever].  mostly i palled around with my friends and ate dinner at my parents every night and tried to not think past christmas.  and for the most part i was successful.

christmas baby!  a recreation of a picture of me at my first christmas

christmas was lovely, with my brother and his wife coming in from utah, getting to talk to my other brother via skype on christmas day from his mission in ga, and an adopted brother on his mission in pa.  we gifted, and caroled, and ate, and skyped, and played, and it was quite merry. just the way christmas should be.

Rudolph. im a horrible person.

but the day after, it was back to the grind stone and packingpackingpacking.  our truck was dropped off on friday, and we had some guys from church come help with the loading of the truck with my dad acting as supreme-truck-tetris-player on saturday morning while my grandpa enjoyed baby time, and some girl friends came and helped me clean in the afternoon while mommasita (my mom) and granny (her mom) wisked off the baby.  it was a very very long day, but made so much more bearable by all the help we got from friends and family. we camped out in the empty house that night with sleeping bags and a packnplay, went to church on sunday, stopped at my parents house for goodbyes and dinner, and we hit the road.  we planned to drive to slc and stay a day with brians mom-we would leave in the evening so that baby would sleep and we would go as far as we could go before stopping for the night.

bye bye, little house. 

it wasnt so bad, saying goodbye to my friends, but only because i didnt have to do the tearful hugs [mostly-one friend left a few days before and after a last breakfast together, i sobbed].  i mostly saw them at church and because we were so busy with herding kids/husbands or being herded by kids/husbands, it was more of a "see you later" kind of thing.  which at first i was disappointed by, but then i was thankful for. as youll read about in a moment.

however, saying goodbye to my family was much harder than any time before. ive always walked out the door with a hug and a wave and "see ya" when the time came to move to the next place.  as we picked up the sweetness and our stuff, my mom reached for her for one last hug and kiss.  my eyes welled up watching her love a little girl that i know reminded her so much of me as a baby.  instead of watching them, i turned to hug my dad.  which was a bad idea.  as he told me everything would be good, his voice caught, and i struggled to hold back tears.  and by struggled i mean i failed.  but i held it together for the most part with just a couple errant tears leaking down my cheeks. 

by the time we got into the car, i was totally fine.  no scratchy voice, leaky nose, or anything.  but as we got onto the freeway, brian asked me to say a quick prayer that we would be safe as we drove.  that was a bad idea.  here we are, brian is driving down the freeway in the dark, the baby blowing bubbles in the backseat, the dog scrunched in the trunk with some luggage walking around in circles trying to get comfortable, and i have my eyes closed, my head bowed, and im blubbering through sudden tears.  quite amusing, and im sure  what brian was thinking as he reached over to grab my hand with a little smile on his face.

i asked for peace, that i would be able to let go of the sadness of leaving my friends and family, and that id be able to make new friends.  and at the moment, i was SO glad i didnt have a chance to spend too much time saying goodbye.  cuz then this ridiculousness would have happened multiple times.  

so we drove.  sweetness fell asleep before we had even crossed the bridge to benicia, so we just drove more.  and drove and drove.  we found a hotel that would take a dog, and we tried to sleep on the craptastic, tiny bed they called a double but was really pretty much a twin.

did i mention that the next day was our anniversary?  5 years of matrimony.  that day dawned to a bed shared with a dog who wouldnt stop whining at 2 am and had his dreams come true when brian let him on the bed.  the three of us, squished into a tiny bed, were quite a sight.  i had somehow become the third wheel  during the night and was barely clinging to the side while brian and the dog were cozily cuddled together.  brian laughed as i got out of the bed to cuddle with the baby, asking "did you ever think when we got married that in 5 years youd wake up to a baby buzzing her lips to herself and your husband cuddling with the dog in the bed of a gross hotel?"  

happiest dog in the world.  

nope, cant say i imagined that. i also didnt imagine id be moving across the country on that day either.  but im so glad thats how that day started-i needed this new adventure to start with something i could laugh about.  i needed to feel hope and happiness with the people [erm, dog] i already have.  if i couldnt laugh and be happy with them, i was going to be awfully lonely in colorado.  that morning i was able to look around and say "its going to be ok," and believe it.  

5 years. whew. 

as we piled into the car and got drive-thru hashbrowns and egg-foodstuffs and got on the freeway, brian in an uncharacteristically giggly voice pronounced, "we have the cutest dog, and cutest baby.  how did we get so lucky? i have the best family."  and all i could do was smile and nod because my voice had suddenly decided to get all scratchy again and my eyes were in danger of leaking.  this time not because i was sad. this time because i was thankful that i was taking this cute and awesome family of mine with me on this adventure; thankful that the peace i so desperately needed was coming; thankful that the next five years were starting with even more love than the first five years did.

batdog, the sweetness, and us.

and just like that, we were halfway to our new home.

heartache defined

so, the previous post talked about why we are moving and the difference between me and brian.

what it didnt talk about is how hard this decision was, and how emotional ive been.  

as i mentioned, there are alot of things that i dont want to leave-my friends, my mommy network, my career. but above all, my parents.

i am the oldest of 3 children, and the only girl.  i have always been a daddys girl, even when we butt heads because we are so similar.  my friendship with my mom came later, once i was in college, and we have been best friends since.  

6 months ago, my parents moved to concord from salt lake for a job for my dad.  this was not intentionally to be near us, but it was seriously fortuitous.  my dad had worked for the county as an outside consultant years prior, and his contacts had helped me land a job there as a temp during the last presidential election.  my relationship with the staff opened the doors to my dad applying for a position that became available last spring.  when he got the job, i cried. my first thought was "he's employed!"  my second was "they will be here for the baby!" and so they were.

and now, when the baby is not even 3 months old, we are leaving them behind in a place they barely know.

the range of emotions i feel just about leaving them is mind boggling:

confusion: i never cared before about living close to my parents.  during college i lived 9 hours away, and growing up my grandparents were almost never within driving distance. leaving my parents was normal and expected. but here i am now, 27 and distraught at moving far away from them.   ive never felt that way before.

frustration: why did we feel so strongly that we were supposed to move here, and they feel the same way, only for us to leave them so soon? it doesnt seem fair, or logical, and surely there must be a reason, but i cant see it yet.

guilt:  i have given them their first grandchild, and they have loved seeing her as often as possible.  my dad loves to steal her away from me at church, and seeing them dote on her has been like looking into the past at how they loved me as a baby.  they love her so much, and here i am, about to whisk her away to places that leave them to rely on pictures and memories.

sadness:  having my parents so close has been wonderful-family dinners are so fun, my dad has become a father to brian, brian has become a big brother to my brothers.  i have been blessed to see them at church, and watch people admire what good people they are. i have had the opportunity to proudly introduce them to my friends and neighbors, and brag about how great they are to their new acquaintances.  and i wont get to do that anymore.  i wont get to celebrate the small things that warrant a special dinner.  i wont get to do nails with my mom or watch football with my dad while eating his signature ribs.  sure, i can do that when i visit, but these are aspects of our relationship that have developed after i became an adult, after i got married.  having them close has fostered such a strong relationship, and ill be losing that.

justification:  i too am the oldest grandchild to my mother's parents.  when i was born, we lived close to them in New Jersey.  but when i was 6 months old, my dad was stationed in AZ, and they moved.  if they can do it without killing themselves with guilt, so can i.  the only difference is my grandparents knew the risk with an army son in law.

anxiety:  my parents have been really supportive of us and want us to do what is best for our family.  but ive struggled with the knowledge of their hurt, and ive worried and stressed and cried over what they arent saying-that they are crushed.  i worry we've disappointed them.  

divided:  i want to tell them how i feel, but to do so would be to admit to brian just how difficult this is for me.  granted, he already knows.  but this is difficult for him too, and i dont want to ruin his excitement by dwelling on my hurt.  but to keep it in makes them feel like i dont care.  so i do a poor job of straddling the line.

when i think about leaving them, i sob.  sure, i can skim over it in passing, talk about the logistics of moving away from my parents, without really feeling it.  but when i really think about it, im a wreck.  writing this post has been so difficult, both to articulate and to see the screen through salt water.  i used to scoff at those people who couldnt stomach moving away from their parents.  actually, i still do under normal circumstances.  but this isnt normal.  for once i didnt think we would be ships passing in the night- for the first time in my life, my parents are planning on staying in one place, probably until at least my dad retirement in 10 years.  i thought i would watch my parents be grandparents as my baby girl grew, that they might be here for her first steps, her first word; that i could run away on a mom date when i needed a break and catch a movie and popcorn with my madre; that id be here when my little brother got home from his mission; that i would be cleaning up the remains of my dogs destruction after they watched him for us. 

i guess its not meant to be.  and that hurts.  more than i ever thought it would, and more than id ever prepared for.  i put on a good show, saying its difficult but we will all get over it.  

but im not over it yet.

d is for...

as many of you know, we moved to concord about a year and a half ago, right out of school.  i studied for and took the CA bar and brian worked in the city.  we got a dog and had a baby, and settled in.

our 5th wedding anniversary is fast approaching, and in that time, we have moved 5 times (not including our first apt together or our brief stint living at brians grandmas).  but before we hit 5 years, that number will yet again increase.

because d is for denver. or doomsday.

brian has been offered a great job in Denver, and through all our conversations and contemplation, one thing has been clear-this opportunity will be better for our family in both the short and long term.

and for the first time in a long time, im having a hard time moving.

growing up i moved alot-the side effect of military moves/a dad with itchy feet-but only after living in a place for several years.  in some ways, that was really hard; everyone had made friends, was involved in the community and church, had solid jobs and networks, ect.  our moves as a couple have been very different-1.5 years is the longest we have lived in any one place (though sometimes in similar areas), and in some ways thats what makes this move even harder; we thought we would stay for a while, so we put down roots and got settled, only to suddenly be uprooted again.

brian is very excited.  this is a great opportunity for him career-wise, and he is excited to be in a better environment, venturing into a new area of design, and feeling more financially secure. 

i am less excited.  im licensed here in CA (after spending a year of my life devoted to the bar), i have alot of great friends here, and my parents recently relocated nearby.  with a new baby, the network i have has been a life saver and im (surprisingly) loving being a stay at home mom.  coming to grips with leaving all of that behind has been really difficult.  im terrified of being in a new city, stuck at home with a dog and a baby, with no friends and no career.  really, this is my friends' faults; if they werent so great, i wouldnt care so much. kidding. my friends here are irreplaceable and fantastic, and i dont expect to find people just like them, but ive been so blessed to have them in my life so far, and i hope to keep those friendships strong even with distance.

ultimately, ive seen how excited brian is about the job, and how badly they want him.  ive always said that i would follow his career since i had no intention of being the main breadwinner (by choice...i dont handle that kind of pressure and stress very well), and this is my chance to really live up to my word.  that doesnt mean i wont mourn my losses-the close vicinity to friends and family, the cute nursery i spent so much time on, the perfect weather, the time i spent studying for the ca bar. but im trying hard not to wallow in them.

and that doesnt mean ill wear as much fleece as the locals.  no way.

soon ill be able to add colorado to new jersey, arizona, germany, utah, washington, southern ca, and the bay area.

armpits from heaven

if you know me in real life, or you have read my blog enough, you know there is no risk of me oversharing.

its a guarantee.  

lets be real. we all struggle with the same things, so why color it rose-tinted when we can all feel a little less alone if we are all just honest about it?

so today we can all feel a little less alone in having dark armpits.

if you know what im talking about, yay you arent alone! if not, thank me for not taking a picture of my own pits for your viewing pleasure.

a few months ago, during lovely swimsuit season, i realized my armpits were quite unsightly.  with my olive skin, i scar darkly, and i wasnt sure if this was just how my skin was pigmented or if it was a scarring of some sort or what.  

so i decided i was going to try to find a way to lighten them up.  off to trusty pinterest we go!  but everything i found included making weird concoctions of lemon juice and baking soda, and not shaving or deodorizing. and it was freaking hot. and i was holy pregnant. and there was no way i was going to smell funky with the mass amounts of sweat hot pregnant ladies are bound to create.

and then i had a baby.  and i lost interest in my armpits. go figure.

AND THEN THE MAGIC HAPPENED.

somehow i stumbled onto a magical armpit-lightening agent right in my shower.  and i didnt smell weird or have to use less deodorant or anything.

cetaphil is the antidote to dark pits.  i just have the cleanser and in the shower i was noticing that when i used it on my pits, it was reacting to something and changing consistency.  i figured it was my deodorant and thought nothing of it.  

until last week.  and my armpits are no longer dark and scary looking.  yay!

now go, and use this fabulous and gentle stuff and banish those dark armpits.  its perfect time too, cuz you got like 8 months til the next swimsuit season.

2 months of love

baby girl is 2 months old. 

TWO MONTHS.

she has totally consumed my life for 2 months, and i dont even know where all the time has gone.  i had no idea id like being a mom so much, but i do.  she is way fun to hang out with, and she is my buddy-going with me everywhere.  it helps that i have a ton of friends around, and now i can go to the park with a kid, instead of being that creeper without a child.

brecken had her 2 month appointment yesterday; she is 10 lbs 12 oz, and 23 inches long...a long skinny girl! and so stinking cute.  she loves being naked, listening to brian sing, standing up and looking around, and......SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT.  its amazing.  

aaaaaand ive officially become that woman that pretty much only posts about her child.  im sure something more interesting will come along at some point, and ill write about that, but since my life is all baby and dog, its hard to talk about anything else at the moment. mostly just because there isnt much else to talk about...

instead of talking about the sweetness, let me tell you about the most awesome invention ever: the snotsucker.  exactly what it sounds like.

instead of using those stupid bulb syringes to get boogers out of a babys nose, you just stick this handy little ditty to the babys nostril, put the tube in your mouth, and suck all the grossness out.  yes, there is a filter between boogers and mouth piece, so no, you wont be eating their snot.  but holy cow, does it work wonders for a stuffy nose.  love is sucking the snot out of your childs face, amiright?

in other news, i have discovered dirty diet coke.  diet coke with coconut syrup and lime.  and besides making sure my child stays alive, this is the other thing i do-plot when and where i can get my daily dose.  just one though (usually), i keep this addiction under control (kind of).  

helps me get through all the snot sucking.

more gratuitous baby pictures :)

first month of parenthood

if you read my last post, life cycle of a whale, you know that i was kind of freaking out about having a kid.  like, a real life baby human.  i really was.  not in a “i regret this” kind of way, but in a “i have no idea what im doing and im sort of terrified im going to screw it up” kind of way.  im still terrified im going to screw it up, and i still have no idea what im doing.  but holy cow, she is the cutest and sweetest thing to ever happen to us.

tummy time

this post is not going to start at the beginning, but if you are a brave soul, and want to hear all about the birth, then you can read the birth story here.

the sweetness is now a month old.  WHERE DID THAT MONTH GO?!  the first few nights getting barely more than a couple hours of sleep seem like a lifetime ago, and yet just yesterday.  

i want her to stay tiny.  FOR.EV.ER.

and no one told me that breastfeeding is seriously something dreamt up in S&M circles.  because, pain.

ok folks, im about to get seriously sappy here:

she has brought so much love into our lives.  you hear (at least i did) that having a kid doesnt take love away from others, but instead it just makes more room in your heart for more love.  its true.  i dont even have to think about it-i love her.  its not like the kind of love i have for my husband or anyone else.  it just is.  like you cant help but love this little person because its not logical to do anything else.  this isnt a new concept to me, but the truth of it is still poignant.

velociraptor baby!

but something is missing from that saying that i always heard. they leave out how that extra room in your heart also increases your love for those you already love.  the most obvious example is my husband.  i was amazed at the overflow of love i felt for him after having our baby.  (i make it sound like its weird to love him. har har)  it was incredible to feel so close to him while we supported and encouraged each other, and i appreciated so much the care he gave to both me and his daughter.  it was overwhelming at times, and i cried many tears of joy in those first few days as i saw my little family growing before my eyes.  

of course, i also cried many tears of frustration too. and stress. and fear.  and exhaustion.  having a kid is scary and hard.  my whole life is dedicated to keeping this tiny human alive and happy and sometimes that seems next to impossible.  or at least like the more happy they are, the more exhausted you become.  

in the midst of all of this new life thing happening, the circle of life is continuing in our family.  brians grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in april and just a few days before breckens birth, we learned that she had only a few months left to live.   

at the beginning of september, i was able to take brecken to meet her great grandmother, and let grandma meet her first great granddaughter.  it was a bittersweet moment, seeing grandma’s eyes well up with tears as she held brecken for what she knew would be the last time.  it was incredible to give her that gift, to see the love she had for this sweet little baby and how it lifted her spirits.  brecken will never remember feeling those frail arms hold her tight, but i hope she will someday treasure knowing how much joy she brought her great grandmother in her last days.  

great grandma boyer

as it turns out, our timing could not have been better-the day we left, grandma went into a coma, and she died 5 days later.  its almost like she was holding out to meet this sweet little girl.

this last month has been full of firsts.  some good, like first meetings and first grandchild, and some bad, like first projectile poop on my pants and first cracked nipple.  but its been so mindblowingly good.

i just wish i could keep her so adorably small.

even cobalt likes her

Brecken's birth story

so you want to hear the nitty gritty on how this whole birth thing went down huh?  

i dont blame you, im kind of morbidly nosey like that too.

now, i am kind of writing this more for me than for you, so if its REALLY detailed on mundane things, sorry, and skip ahead for the more graphic things :)

Thursday, August 8th, 2013

6:00 PM.   ive been with my grandparents who are visiting from NJ via VA all day.  we went to the jelly belly factory and took a tour and bought jelly beans and chocolate afterwards.  grandpa was grumpy because the tour line was so long and he wanted to go to the john muir house tour instead.  granny and i overruled him.  brian was still at work and i decided to stay for dinner at my parents house to eat with the family.  they were having spaghetti, but i ordered the prego pizza (basically a supreme pizza with insane amounts of garlic, onion, and meat.  the perfect pizza) from the local pizza place.  its supposedly guaranteed to put you into labor.  

6:30 PM.  we sat down to eat.  my dog was whining so i got up.  i felt a little trickle when i stood but ignored it. it was weird, but so are womens bodies.  a few minutes later, i got up again, and it happened again.  then i started to wonder whats going on.

6:45 PM.  i was uncomfortable in my maternity shorts and asked my little brother for a pair of basketball shorts to wear.  i was anticipating an evening of football (49ers first preseason game-im not a fan of the niners, but i like football so ill watch anyways) and would rather be comfortable.  seth made a sarcastic comment about “you better take these off if you go into labor.”  i stood up to go change.  unmistakable trickle.  slight panic.  ran to the bathroom.  inspected shorts.  shorts wet.  maybe its butt sweat?  it WAS hot today...  peed while i thought.  cracked door open and called for my mom, cuz that what every girl does when she panics, right?  i was suddenly having flashbacks to when i started my period and i also called my mom to come rescue me while sitting on the porcelain throne.  while waiting for her, another trickle.  confer with madre and confirmed suspicions-water must have broken.  only she doesnt really know either cuz the one time her water broke, it was a flood not a trickle.  CRAP.  

7:00 PM.  i rushed home to meet up with brian and get the hospital phone number i was supposed to have pinned to my shirt long ago.  luckily, our bags were mostly packed (im type A, remember?), so at least i wasnt worrying about that.  the hospital confirmed that it sounds like my water has broken and i should come in to double check.  we decided to take our time and not rush since they would admit me.  collected the dog, packed brians things, made sure we have everything.  we dropped the dog off at my parents house and headed to the hospital.

9:00 PM.  we got to labor and delivery. the hospital is only 20 mins from our house, but like i said, we really took our time. in triage, i changed into a gown and peed into a cup and waited for a nurse.  the nurse tested for the presence of amniotic fluid, which requires the use of a microscope (and took forever because it would trickle every time the little litmus paper wasnt around to trickle on), and brian and the nurse had a fabulous time looking at the specimen and chatting about how it looks until the midwife caught brian staring at the slide unattended.  

10:00 PM.  Confirmed: my water broke.  now im admitted.  and i leak water from triage to the room.  awkward.  then its sit and wait.  i wasnt really having contractions-i have to look at the monitor to see if i am, and i only feel one out of 5, but barely.  

Friday, August 9th

12 AM.  they finally stopped hooking me up to junk and testing me and blah blah blah.  as far as we know, i was dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced, as evidenced by the last drs appointment, but they wont check me again because my water broke.  i was still not “in labor.”  the midwife put me on some drug that helps with effacement, but can also trigger contractions.  

1 AM.  we tried to get some sleep.  which is crap cuz they come in every 5 minutes, but we tried anyway.  he succeeds mostly.  i dont.

4 AM.  i was having more contractions, but still only barely.  they were a little uncomfortable but thats it, and 5-7 mins apart.  so, not really labor.  they suspected the contractions are more a result of the drug than my body actually doing the work, so we waited some more.

8 AM.  contractions basically stopped, so it was definitely the drug causing them.  this gave rise to a heated dispute between the midwife and nurse about whether to give me more of it.  midwife says yes, nurse says no.  midwife wins, and i was given the drug again.  i was just in favor of whatever would get this party started, cuz i was feeling like a guest who showed up only to be told i got the time wrong and now i have to help setup, and i was starting to not be so excited about the awesome food and music and people who will show up later.

throughout the day: i walked the halls. alot.  i got monitored alot.  we brought the harry potter movie series because of the sheer number of hours it contains, and its a good thing we did, cuz the tv offered little distraction that we can both agree on.  so we watched alot of harry potter.  eventually my mom showed up and hung out with us.  my contractions were all over and stop and start, but were still just slightly uncomfortable.  i was starting to hope im one of “those women” who has virtually painless labor.  

5 PM.  i was getting tired of hearing that im not in labor.  thanks, thats helpful.  the cool nurse that admitted me was back on shift again and he told me the next step is pitocin.  i was concerned about that because i wanted to go natural and i had heard horror stories about how pitocin makes labor hell and you usually need an epidural if you get pitocin.  he told me how the hospital does it compared to others and assured me that i could do natural with it, but i could always come off it if i didnt like it.  i decided id see if i went into labor on my own between then and 8 pm. and id reconsider at 8.

8 PM.  still no progress.  its been 24 hours now of basically nothing.  so the options were: wait around until my body did its thing (meanwhile racking up the hospital bill and going delirious with boredom), or start pitocin and do the thing already.  im sold-pitocin it is.

9 PM.  started the pitocin. nurse said the aim was to have contractions 2-3 mins apart and not be able to talk through them.  sweet, i had a goal to work towards instead of this amorphous “active labor.”

Saturday, August 10th  (these times are much more approximate, as i was only kind of conscious of anything other than the bowling ball between my hip bones.)

12 AM.  i think im at the goal.  2-3 mins apart and i was not talking through the contractions- i was mostly just grunting at brian when he wasnt close enough to me for me to lean on.  at this point, i was hooked up to IVs (pitocin and other fluids) and the monitors (both contractions and baby heart beat) and my only options of positions were standing and sitting/laying down.  sitting was killing my back/butt and laying down was like the worst position for the contractions.  so i was standing.  my feet were starting to hurt and i really needed to pee so they unhooked me so i could go to the bathroom.  while i was in the bathroom, my mom talked to the new nurse on duty about my progress.  this new nurse told my mom while i was in the bathroom that she thought i was still not in labor and that it was going to be at least 10 hours until i had a baby.  when i emerged from the bathroom, i was pissed: a. yes, NOW im in labor.  maybe chemically induced, and maybe not in transition yet, but this is def labor, thankyouverymuch. b. you are a new nurse, who has barely come on, and you have never met me, so dont presume to know everything about the sitch the second you walk in here. c. you could have had the balls to say that to MY face, instead of while you think im out of earshot. needless to say, i kind of freaked out.  i was mad at the nurse, and frustrated because this was not going the way i was hoping it would.  because i was being monitored constantly, i had very little room to move in general, but the baby was so far down that the monitor barely stayed in place even when i was standing, and any movement caused them to lose the signal.  i felt trapped standing but i really wanted to kneel down like we had practiced.  

12:30 AM.  my mom decided to leave and get a few hours of sleep.  i decided that i was going to do whatever the hell i wanted and the nurse could come hold the monitor in place if she really wanted the heartbeat that badly.  i climbed up on the bed on my knees and brought the head of the bed up to nearly vertical (labor beds are crap for sleep, but awesome for this) so i could rest my elbows on the top.

12:45 AM.  out of nowhere, i had a seriously intense, sudden, and sharp pain from my pelvis area.  it felt like the baby kicked really hard right where the monitor rested and there was a seemingly audible thump.  it was so sudden and painful that it almost knocked the wind out of me.  i was still dealing with it when i had another contraction and i got nauseous.  i figured it was from kneeling on the bed and was probably cutting off circulation in my knees so i got off the bed and instead bent over the side of it.  a few contractions later, which were now more painful than before, i say to brian, “i feel like i need to push.”  he wanted to get the nurse, but i was still irritated at her.  im convinced she will think im an idiot because as far as we knew i was still at a 3.  who wants to push at a 3?  she came in and brian asked her what kind of things he should tell her.  she said any sudden changes in pain levels or a need to push or poop.  brian kind of glared at me cuz both of those things have just happened but i shook him off.  

1 AM.  I had the push feeling again and i told brian to go ahead and get the nurse this time.  she kind of dragged her feet but admitted i “looked a little different” than i did a few minutes ago, whatever that meant.  i started shaking and my teeth were chattering, and i realized that i read somewhere about that being a body response to the immediate effects of labor.  she checked me and low and behold, i was now an 8 and still only 80% effaced.  brian was immediately on the phone with my mom telling her to get down here.  the nurse surmised that the thing i thought was a kick was actually the baby dropping into the birth canal.  drop?  you mean freaking crashed through my pelvis.  

1:15 AM.  transition sucks.  brian was such a great coach and was helping me remember to breathe and focus on that instead of the push feeling.  i couldnt push yet because i wasnt totally effaced but right then i was not thinking about pushing, just finding a good position.  laying down was incredibly painful, so i was back standing at the side of bed, bent over it.  less painful, but now i was throwing up.  lovely.  all those labor videos your watch dont mention vomit.

1:40 AM.  i needed to push.  BAD.  i could barely control it.  brian was phenomenal at helping me breathe and focus, but thats just not enough to control that push feeling.  its not just a feeling-its what my body was doing, and i had to try to distract myself and stop it as much as possible.  like trying to not barf halfway through-impossible.  at one point, i couldnt avoid pushing, and suddenly a flood of amniotic fluid with the force and rage of a river tore through my body.  ugh, that was one of the worst feelings ever. i was suddenly standing in a puddle.  i remember apologizing, mostly for pushing when i wasnt supposed to, but also for the new lake on the floor.  

2 AM.  i have to push.  I HAVE TO PUSH.  i cant stop it any more.  they got me back on the bed to make sure i was fully effaced before they gave me the go ahead.  now im cleared for take off.  at this point, i wish i had changed position, but i was just thinking about how relieved i was that i didnt have to fight the push anymore.  the plan was that i push three times with every contraction, taking huge breaths and holding them while i push.  brian and my mom helped hold my legs cuz i just couldnt do all those things at one time and do them all well-i can multitask, but come on.  after a few contractions, i started to feel light headed, and in between contractions i was lying lifeless trying to clear my head of the fog and get enough air.  my lack of oxygen was affecting the baby’s heartrate, which had started dropping, so they gave brian an oxygen mask to put on my face.  he says my mouth was starting to turn blue between pushes before they gave me the mask.  

2:20ish AM.  my midwife told me she is going to tell me to stop at some point to help me avoid ripping.  i was relieved cuz i really didnt want to rip or be cut.  she told me to stop and i did-that was so much easier than not pushing when in transition.  i could feel stretching and she predicted good things.  a couple pushes later, and i could feel the head crowning, which was both incredible and painful.  they talk call it the ring of fire-such an accurate description!  the burning stretch!  after three pushes, the midwife told me i could push one more time and the babys head will probably come out.  i was wiped so i say no, lets wait.  she seemed to like this idea because she starts applauding the stretch that is inevitably happening and says i wont tear at all-yay!  hearing that the baby is almost here, brian, who was holding my hand and brushing my hair back, started giggling which quickly turned to tears streaming down his face.  he told me he was proud of me and loves me, which was so sweet.  especially since all i was thinking was “dont you dare look down there!”  so sweet and romantic of me.

2:25 AM.  the next push, the babys head it out!  but three pushes later the shoulders still hadnt come out.  i had a perfect view of the midwife, and i could see her focusing on getting the baby out.  

2:30 AM. after a few minutes of more pushing and no baby, all of a sudden a team of 4 or 5 other people descended on me. they pushed mom and brian out of the way and moved my legs to other positions, some even pushing on my stomach while i pushed.  it was kind of scary because i knew something wasnt right.  then the midwife whipped out some scissors and cut me.  i couldnt feel it but i could hear it, and i looked at brian and said “she cut me!”  mostly i was shocked-after trying so hard to make sure i didnt tear, i knew her cutting me had to be a sign of something wrong.  

2:35 AM.  as soon as the snips were made, the midwife pulled the baby out!  

once again, i could tell something was wrong.  her face was so dark, almost black in the dim lights of the room, but her hand by her face was so white. seconds later they cut the cord and whisked her away.  between getting stuck and the dropped heart rate and the color of her face, they were concerned she wasnt breathing.  thankfully she was fine, just extremely bruised and swollen, probably from crashing through my pelvis.  

despite being stitched up, one of the sweetest moments was when they brought her back to me-she was screaming but the moment she heard my voice, she stopped.  what was even sweeter was that she had the same reaction when she heard brians voice.  she clearly knew us, and was comforted by our voices.   that was the moment i fell in love.

because id had pitocin and fluids, her weight was artificially bolstered, coming in at 8 lbs 5 oz. but by the time we left the hospital, she was only 7 lbs.  thats a big weight difference, even for hospital weight loss, and the drs were concerned for a while, but after coming to the conclusion that the weight was wrong, they cleared her.  she is a tall and skinny girl, starting at 20 ¾ in long.  

i know this was full of details and was super long, but if you made it all the way through, good job and i hope you enjoyed it!