in limbo: move part 2

after driving all through the night (basically) and sleeping in a flea ridden motel (you never know, it allows pets after all), we arrived at brians moms house in alpine, ut.  it was the 30th, and we couldnt be in our place in co until the 3rd, so we had some time to kill. brian hadnt seen his family in a year and it was a perfect time to catch up with his brothers and sister.

since it was our anniversary, we decided to take his mom up on some babysitting time!  i had been feeling pretty crappy about my post-baby body not fitting into my clothes and feeling like the clothes that did fit were completely unflattering, so brian decided to take me shopping!  i dont shop for clothes often (like, maybe once a year) and he hates when i take him with me.  but he was so supportive and encouraging and didnt whine once-he even gave me good feedback!  now THATS an anniversary present haha.

other than that, we hung out with his family.  new years eve was spent with everyone over, playing games until the kids pooped out.

gratuitous naked baby

i love his chaotic family.  there are 6 hulme babies-more people than my whole family-and half are married.  i love the feeling of having so many people close by.  its cozy and warm and loud and obnoxious and awesome.  we had a lively debate, beat the pants off each other in games, we hung out and talked and caught up, and stuffed our faces while we did it.  its fun to see them all together, this big group of ADD-infused adults who are more alike than they know.  its like a secret we spouses carry, seeing reflections of our partners in their siblings.  and we love them all, whether because of or in spite of their similarities.

so after a couple days, it was time for us to hit the road again.

i dont remember taking the 80 eastbound past park city, but i know i must have as a kid to visit family friends who living in wyoming and colorado.  it was...what i expected haha.   pretty empty, and boring, and alot like northern nevada.  except there were more hills i guess.

the only exciting thing about wyoming was brian 

as the sun set, we neared Laramie.  thats when trouble started.

the temperature dropped, and it got really windy.  i had started to take a little nap, thinking i could drive from cheyenne to denver and give brian a break. but i was only asleep for about 20 minutes before i couldnt handle the tension anymore.

the signs kept saying "slick road--slow down" but it was hard to tell where it might be slick.  there was some blowing snow, but not much and it wasnt sticking to anything.  but soon we could see the wet-looking patches of black ice and they were constant.

and then the car in front of us slid a bit.  and i just about died.

you see, my car has summer tires on it.  there was no need for anything other than those in ca, and while my car was heavy enough with two adults, a baby, a dog, and stuff, it still is front wheel drive with basically grip-less tires.

the car slid a bit several times, and i could see the stress starting to build up in brian-he talks alot when he is stressed (is this funny to anyone else?).  and the snow was coming down harder and sticking, forcing us to drive in slick, snowy ruts.  we tried to keep another cars taillights ahead of us, but everyone was flying compared to us.

after a while, we lost the taillights we had been following, and between that and a one particularly bad skidding episode, i really lost it.  we pulled off at the next exit and tried to figure out how far we had to go til cheyenne and what the road conditions were like further on.

they were bad.  and there was still 30 miles left.

suddenly, we understood what the road-block arms were for on the side of the freeway.

for the second time in less than a week, i sob-prayed. but this time, i wasnt scared or sad for me.  i was terrified about getting in an accident with the baby in the car.  yeahyeahiknow, paranoid much?  way to look on the bright side, eh alex?  but ive driven through lots of bad snowstorms, and you are never invincible, no matter how prepared you are.

it doesnt help that the last bad storm we drove through, which was through parleys canyon late at night with a foot of standing snow and my little brother asleep in the back seat, was recently revealed to me as the scariest moment of brians life.

GREAT.

so after i got my shiz together, we hit the road again, determined to go as slow as we needed no matter how fast anyone else went/how long it took us.  and unlike that last storm-where i attempted to boost brians confidence/stifle my own fear by telling him over and over how confident i was in him and his driving abilities, but in reality drove him crazy-i kept my panicky compliment-blather to myself.

1.5 hours later, we hit cheyenne.  and the difference was as sudden as night and day.  the roads were instantly clear and the rest of the drive was a breeze.  but by then i was so wrung out emotionally that i happily hunkered down in the passengers seat with my french fries and diet coke and never offered my driving services.

so sweet of me.

brian was set to go back to work the next day, so we found another hotel that would accommodate the dogalog that was close enough to brians work for him to walk, and we fell into bed. and we swore we would never. ever. make the drive from laramie to cheyenne in the winter or at night or in a storm ever. again.

who i am.

i am an attorney. a wife. a sister, a daughter, a friend.  a woman with great accomplishments and great potential.

i am also a mother.  i dont really feel like a mother; i dont know what its supposed to feel like, but i guess i always assumed id feel old, absorbed, boring.  not that my friends who are moms are, but thats just what i was afraid of becoming.

but then, out of the blue, im suddenly struck by her.  her cuteness, her sweetness, her adorable smile, and unending wiggles.  

and im shocked by my momness.  i love her unconditionally, intensely, adoringly.  so much so that i worry ill never love another kid like i love her.  

and then im all watery-eyed and sentimental and pathetic. and i look at brian and he knows.  he knows and he laughs at me.  and then we look at our baby girl, and i know he is feeling the exact. same. way. 

goodbye, california: move part 1

my last post of 2013 expanded on the crushing heartbreak i felt about moving.

my first post of 2014 is an apathetic hello from our new home.  but ill save the apathy for later.  for now, this is the in-between-the-old-and-the-new-home post.  or, one of them.

during december, brian worked from denver while i stayed home in ca, doing my thing and trying to pack.  that didnt really happen, to be honest [and i felt lots of bad-wife guilt for that but whatever].  mostly i palled around with my friends and ate dinner at my parents every night and tried to not think past christmas.  and for the most part i was successful.

christmas baby!  a recreation of a picture of me at my first christmas

christmas was lovely, with my brother and his wife coming in from utah, getting to talk to my other brother via skype on christmas day from his mission in ga, and an adopted brother on his mission in pa.  we gifted, and caroled, and ate, and skyped, and played, and it was quite merry. just the way christmas should be.

Rudolph. im a horrible person.

but the day after, it was back to the grind stone and packingpackingpacking.  our truck was dropped off on friday, and we had some guys from church come help with the loading of the truck with my dad acting as supreme-truck-tetris-player on saturday morning while my grandpa enjoyed baby time, and some girl friends came and helped me clean in the afternoon while mommasita (my mom) and granny (her mom) wisked off the baby.  it was a very very long day, but made so much more bearable by all the help we got from friends and family. we camped out in the empty house that night with sleeping bags and a packnplay, went to church on sunday, stopped at my parents house for goodbyes and dinner, and we hit the road.  we planned to drive to slc and stay a day with brians mom-we would leave in the evening so that baby would sleep and we would go as far as we could go before stopping for the night.

bye bye, little house. 

it wasnt so bad, saying goodbye to my friends, but only because i didnt have to do the tearful hugs [mostly-one friend left a few days before and after a last breakfast together, i sobbed].  i mostly saw them at church and because we were so busy with herding kids/husbands or being herded by kids/husbands, it was more of a "see you later" kind of thing.  which at first i was disappointed by, but then i was thankful for. as youll read about in a moment.

however, saying goodbye to my family was much harder than any time before. ive always walked out the door with a hug and a wave and "see ya" when the time came to move to the next place.  as we picked up the sweetness and our stuff, my mom reached for her for one last hug and kiss.  my eyes welled up watching her love a little girl that i know reminded her so much of me as a baby.  instead of watching them, i turned to hug my dad.  which was a bad idea.  as he told me everything would be good, his voice caught, and i struggled to hold back tears.  and by struggled i mean i failed.  but i held it together for the most part with just a couple errant tears leaking down my cheeks. 

by the time we got into the car, i was totally fine.  no scratchy voice, leaky nose, or anything.  but as we got onto the freeway, brian asked me to say a quick prayer that we would be safe as we drove.  that was a bad idea.  here we are, brian is driving down the freeway in the dark, the baby blowing bubbles in the backseat, the dog scrunched in the trunk with some luggage walking around in circles trying to get comfortable, and i have my eyes closed, my head bowed, and im blubbering through sudden tears.  quite amusing, and im sure  what brian was thinking as he reached over to grab my hand with a little smile on his face.

i asked for peace, that i would be able to let go of the sadness of leaving my friends and family, and that id be able to make new friends.  and at the moment, i was SO glad i didnt have a chance to spend too much time saying goodbye.  cuz then this ridiculousness would have happened multiple times.  

so we drove.  sweetness fell asleep before we had even crossed the bridge to benicia, so we just drove more.  and drove and drove.  we found a hotel that would take a dog, and we tried to sleep on the craptastic, tiny bed they called a double but was really pretty much a twin.

did i mention that the next day was our anniversary?  5 years of matrimony.  that day dawned to a bed shared with a dog who wouldnt stop whining at 2 am and had his dreams come true when brian let him on the bed.  the three of us, squished into a tiny bed, were quite a sight.  i had somehow become the third wheel  during the night and was barely clinging to the side while brian and the dog were cozily cuddled together.  brian laughed as i got out of the bed to cuddle with the baby, asking "did you ever think when we got married that in 5 years youd wake up to a baby buzzing her lips to herself and your husband cuddling with the dog in the bed of a gross hotel?"  

happiest dog in the world.  

nope, cant say i imagined that. i also didnt imagine id be moving across the country on that day either.  but im so glad thats how that day started-i needed this new adventure to start with something i could laugh about.  i needed to feel hope and happiness with the people [erm, dog] i already have.  if i couldnt laugh and be happy with them, i was going to be awfully lonely in colorado.  that morning i was able to look around and say "its going to be ok," and believe it.  

5 years. whew. 

as we piled into the car and got drive-thru hashbrowns and egg-foodstuffs and got on the freeway, brian in an uncharacteristically giggly voice pronounced, "we have the cutest dog, and cutest baby.  how did we get so lucky? i have the best family."  and all i could do was smile and nod because my voice had suddenly decided to get all scratchy again and my eyes were in danger of leaking.  this time not because i was sad. this time because i was thankful that i was taking this cute and awesome family of mine with me on this adventure; thankful that the peace i so desperately needed was coming; thankful that the next five years were starting with even more love than the first five years did.

batdog, the sweetness, and us.

and just like that, we were halfway to our new home.

heartache defined

so, the previous post talked about why we are moving and the difference between me and brian.

what it didnt talk about is how hard this decision was, and how emotional ive been.  

as i mentioned, there are alot of things that i dont want to leave-my friends, my mommy network, my career. but above all, my parents.

i am the oldest of 3 children, and the only girl.  i have always been a daddys girl, even when we butt heads because we are so similar.  my friendship with my mom came later, once i was in college, and we have been best friends since.  

6 months ago, my parents moved to concord from salt lake for a job for my dad.  this was not intentionally to be near us, but it was seriously fortuitous.  my dad had worked for the county as an outside consultant years prior, and his contacts had helped me land a job there as a temp during the last presidential election.  my relationship with the staff opened the doors to my dad applying for a position that became available last spring.  when he got the job, i cried. my first thought was "he's employed!"  my second was "they will be here for the baby!" and so they were.

and now, when the baby is not even 3 months old, we are leaving them behind in a place they barely know.

the range of emotions i feel just about leaving them is mind boggling:

confusion: i never cared before about living close to my parents.  during college i lived 9 hours away, and growing up my grandparents were almost never within driving distance. leaving my parents was normal and expected. but here i am now, 27 and distraught at moving far away from them.   ive never felt that way before.

frustration: why did we feel so strongly that we were supposed to move here, and they feel the same way, only for us to leave them so soon? it doesnt seem fair, or logical, and surely there must be a reason, but i cant see it yet.

guilt:  i have given them their first grandchild, and they have loved seeing her as often as possible.  my dad loves to steal her away from me at church, and seeing them dote on her has been like looking into the past at how they loved me as a baby.  they love her so much, and here i am, about to whisk her away to places that leave them to rely on pictures and memories.

sadness:  having my parents so close has been wonderful-family dinners are so fun, my dad has become a father to brian, brian has become a big brother to my brothers.  i have been blessed to see them at church, and watch people admire what good people they are. i have had the opportunity to proudly introduce them to my friends and neighbors, and brag about how great they are to their new acquaintances.  and i wont get to do that anymore.  i wont get to celebrate the small things that warrant a special dinner.  i wont get to do nails with my mom or watch football with my dad while eating his signature ribs.  sure, i can do that when i visit, but these are aspects of our relationship that have developed after i became an adult, after i got married.  having them close has fostered such a strong relationship, and ill be losing that.

justification:  i too am the oldest grandchild to my mother's parents.  when i was born, we lived close to them in New Jersey.  but when i was 6 months old, my dad was stationed in AZ, and they moved.  if they can do it without killing themselves with guilt, so can i.  the only difference is my grandparents knew the risk with an army son in law.

anxiety:  my parents have been really supportive of us and want us to do what is best for our family.  but ive struggled with the knowledge of their hurt, and ive worried and stressed and cried over what they arent saying-that they are crushed.  i worry we've disappointed them.  

divided:  i want to tell them how i feel, but to do so would be to admit to brian just how difficult this is for me.  granted, he already knows.  but this is difficult for him too, and i dont want to ruin his excitement by dwelling on my hurt.  but to keep it in makes them feel like i dont care.  so i do a poor job of straddling the line.

when i think about leaving them, i sob.  sure, i can skim over it in passing, talk about the logistics of moving away from my parents, without really feeling it.  but when i really think about it, im a wreck.  writing this post has been so difficult, both to articulate and to see the screen through salt water.  i used to scoff at those people who couldnt stomach moving away from their parents.  actually, i still do under normal circumstances.  but this isnt normal.  for once i didnt think we would be ships passing in the night- for the first time in my life, my parents are planning on staying in one place, probably until at least my dad retirement in 10 years.  i thought i would watch my parents be grandparents as my baby girl grew, that they might be here for her first steps, her first word; that i could run away on a mom date when i needed a break and catch a movie and popcorn with my madre; that id be here when my little brother got home from his mission; that i would be cleaning up the remains of my dogs destruction after they watched him for us. 

i guess its not meant to be.  and that hurts.  more than i ever thought it would, and more than id ever prepared for.  i put on a good show, saying its difficult but we will all get over it.  

but im not over it yet.

d is for...

as many of you know, we moved to concord about a year and a half ago, right out of school.  i studied for and took the CA bar and brian worked in the city.  we got a dog and had a baby, and settled in.

our 5th wedding anniversary is fast approaching, and in that time, we have moved 5 times (not including our first apt together or our brief stint living at brians grandmas).  but before we hit 5 years, that number will yet again increase.

because d is for denver. or doomsday.

brian has been offered a great job in Denver, and through all our conversations and contemplation, one thing has been clear-this opportunity will be better for our family in both the short and long term.

and for the first time in a long time, im having a hard time moving.

growing up i moved alot-the side effect of military moves/a dad with itchy feet-but only after living in a place for several years.  in some ways, that was really hard; everyone had made friends, was involved in the community and church, had solid jobs and networks, ect.  our moves as a couple have been very different-1.5 years is the longest we have lived in any one place (though sometimes in similar areas), and in some ways thats what makes this move even harder; we thought we would stay for a while, so we put down roots and got settled, only to suddenly be uprooted again.

brian is very excited.  this is a great opportunity for him career-wise, and he is excited to be in a better environment, venturing into a new area of design, and feeling more financially secure. 

i am less excited.  im licensed here in CA (after spending a year of my life devoted to the bar), i have alot of great friends here, and my parents recently relocated nearby.  with a new baby, the network i have has been a life saver and im (surprisingly) loving being a stay at home mom.  coming to grips with leaving all of that behind has been really difficult.  im terrified of being in a new city, stuck at home with a dog and a baby, with no friends and no career.  really, this is my friends' faults; if they werent so great, i wouldnt care so much. kidding. my friends here are irreplaceable and fantastic, and i dont expect to find people just like them, but ive been so blessed to have them in my life so far, and i hope to keep those friendships strong even with distance.

ultimately, ive seen how excited brian is about the job, and how badly they want him.  ive always said that i would follow his career since i had no intention of being the main breadwinner (by choice...i dont handle that kind of pressure and stress very well), and this is my chance to really live up to my word.  that doesnt mean i wont mourn my losses-the close vicinity to friends and family, the cute nursery i spent so much time on, the perfect weather, the time i spent studying for the ca bar. but im trying hard not to wallow in them.

and that doesnt mean ill wear as much fleece as the locals.  no way.

soon ill be able to add colorado to new jersey, arizona, germany, utah, washington, southern ca, and the bay area.

armpits from heaven

if you know me in real life, or you have read my blog enough, you know there is no risk of me oversharing.

its a guarantee.  

lets be real. we all struggle with the same things, so why color it rose-tinted when we can all feel a little less alone if we are all just honest about it?

so today we can all feel a little less alone in having dark armpits.

if you know what im talking about, yay you arent alone! if not, thank me for not taking a picture of my own pits for your viewing pleasure.

a few months ago, during lovely swimsuit season, i realized my armpits were quite unsightly.  with my olive skin, i scar darkly, and i wasnt sure if this was just how my skin was pigmented or if it was a scarring of some sort or what.  

so i decided i was going to try to find a way to lighten them up.  off to trusty pinterest we go!  but everything i found included making weird concoctions of lemon juice and baking soda, and not shaving or deodorizing. and it was freaking hot. and i was holy pregnant. and there was no way i was going to smell funky with the mass amounts of sweat hot pregnant ladies are bound to create.

and then i had a baby.  and i lost interest in my armpits. go figure.

AND THEN THE MAGIC HAPPENED.

somehow i stumbled onto a magical armpit-lightening agent right in my shower.  and i didnt smell weird or have to use less deodorant or anything.

cetaphil is the antidote to dark pits.  i just have the cleanser and in the shower i was noticing that when i used it on my pits, it was reacting to something and changing consistency.  i figured it was my deodorant and thought nothing of it.  

until last week.  and my armpits are no longer dark and scary looking.  yay!

now go, and use this fabulous and gentle stuff and banish those dark armpits.  its perfect time too, cuz you got like 8 months til the next swimsuit season.

2 months of love

baby girl is 2 months old. 

TWO MONTHS.

she has totally consumed my life for 2 months, and i dont even know where all the time has gone.  i had no idea id like being a mom so much, but i do.  she is way fun to hang out with, and she is my buddy-going with me everywhere.  it helps that i have a ton of friends around, and now i can go to the park with a kid, instead of being that creeper without a child.

brecken had her 2 month appointment yesterday; she is 10 lbs 12 oz, and 23 inches long...a long skinny girl! and so stinking cute.  she loves being naked, listening to brian sing, standing up and looking around, and......SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT.  its amazing.  

aaaaaand ive officially become that woman that pretty much only posts about her child.  im sure something more interesting will come along at some point, and ill write about that, but since my life is all baby and dog, its hard to talk about anything else at the moment. mostly just because there isnt much else to talk about...

instead of talking about the sweetness, let me tell you about the most awesome invention ever: the snotsucker.  exactly what it sounds like.

instead of using those stupid bulb syringes to get boogers out of a babys nose, you just stick this handy little ditty to the babys nostril, put the tube in your mouth, and suck all the grossness out.  yes, there is a filter between boogers and mouth piece, so no, you wont be eating their snot.  but holy cow, does it work wonders for a stuffy nose.  love is sucking the snot out of your childs face, amiright?

in other news, i have discovered dirty diet coke.  diet coke with coconut syrup and lime.  and besides making sure my child stays alive, this is the other thing i do-plot when and where i can get my daily dose.  just one though (usually), i keep this addiction under control (kind of).  

helps me get through all the snot sucking.

more gratuitous baby pictures :)