first month of parenthood

if you read my last post, life cycle of a whale, you know that i was kind of freaking out about having a kid.  like, a real life baby human.  i really was.  not in a “i regret this” kind of way, but in a “i have no idea what im doing and im sort of terrified im going to screw it up” kind of way.  im still terrified im going to screw it up, and i still have no idea what im doing.  but holy cow, she is the cutest and sweetest thing to ever happen to us.

tummy time

this post is not going to start at the beginning, but if you are a brave soul, and want to hear all about the birth, then you can read the birth story here.

the sweetness is now a month old.  WHERE DID THAT MONTH GO?!  the first few nights getting barely more than a couple hours of sleep seem like a lifetime ago, and yet just yesterday.  

i want her to stay tiny.  FOR.EV.ER.

and no one told me that breastfeeding is seriously something dreamt up in S&M circles.  because, pain.

ok folks, im about to get seriously sappy here:

she has brought so much love into our lives.  you hear (at least i did) that having a kid doesnt take love away from others, but instead it just makes more room in your heart for more love.  its true.  i dont even have to think about it-i love her.  its not like the kind of love i have for my husband or anyone else.  it just is.  like you cant help but love this little person because its not logical to do anything else.  this isnt a new concept to me, but the truth of it is still poignant.

velociraptor baby!

but something is missing from that saying that i always heard. they leave out how that extra room in your heart also increases your love for those you already love.  the most obvious example is my husband.  i was amazed at the overflow of love i felt for him after having our baby.  (i make it sound like its weird to love him. har har)  it was incredible to feel so close to him while we supported and encouraged each other, and i appreciated so much the care he gave to both me and his daughter.  it was overwhelming at times, and i cried many tears of joy in those first few days as i saw my little family growing before my eyes.  

of course, i also cried many tears of frustration too. and stress. and fear.  and exhaustion.  having a kid is scary and hard.  my whole life is dedicated to keeping this tiny human alive and happy and sometimes that seems next to impossible.  or at least like the more happy they are, the more exhausted you become.  

in the midst of all of this new life thing happening, the circle of life is continuing in our family.  brians grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in april and just a few days before breckens birth, we learned that she had only a few months left to live.   

at the beginning of september, i was able to take brecken to meet her great grandmother, and let grandma meet her first great granddaughter.  it was a bittersweet moment, seeing grandma’s eyes well up with tears as she held brecken for what she knew would be the last time.  it was incredible to give her that gift, to see the love she had for this sweet little baby and how it lifted her spirits.  brecken will never remember feeling those frail arms hold her tight, but i hope she will someday treasure knowing how much joy she brought her great grandmother in her last days.  

great grandma boyer

as it turns out, our timing could not have been better-the day we left, grandma went into a coma, and she died 5 days later.  its almost like she was holding out to meet this sweet little girl.

this last month has been full of firsts.  some good, like first meetings and first grandchild, and some bad, like first projectile poop on my pants and first cracked nipple.  but its been so mindblowingly good.

i just wish i could keep her so adorably small.

even cobalt likes her