so, the previous post talked about why we are moving and the difference between me and brian.
what it didnt talk about is how hard this decision was, and how emotional ive been.
as i mentioned, there are alot of things that i dont want to leave-my friends, my mommy network, my career. but above all, my parents.
i am the oldest of 3 children, and the only girl. i have always been a daddys girl, even when we butt heads because we are so similar. my friendship with my mom came later, once i was in college, and we have been best friends since.
6 months ago, my parents moved to concord from salt lake for a job for my dad. this was not intentionally to be near us, but it was seriously fortuitous. my dad had worked for the county as an outside consultant years prior, and his contacts had helped me land a job there as a temp during the last presidential election. my relationship with the staff opened the doors to my dad applying for a position that became available last spring. when he got the job, i cried. my first thought was "he's employed!" my second was "they will be here for the baby!" and so they were.
and now, when the baby is not even 3 months old, we are leaving them behind in a place they barely know.
the range of emotions i feel just about leaving them is mind boggling:
confusion: i never cared before about living close to my parents. during college i lived 9 hours away, and growing up my grandparents were almost never within driving distance. leaving my parents was normal and expected. but here i am now, 27 and distraught at moving far away from them. ive never felt that way before.
frustration: why did we feel so strongly that we were supposed to move here, and they feel the same way, only for us to leave them so soon? it doesnt seem fair, or logical, and surely there must be a reason, but i cant see it yet.
guilt: i have given them their first grandchild, and they have loved seeing her as often as possible. my dad loves to steal her away from me at church, and seeing them dote on her has been like looking into the past at how they loved me as a baby. they love her so much, and here i am, about to whisk her away to places that leave them to rely on pictures and memories.
sadness: having my parents so close has been wonderful-family dinners are so fun, my dad has become a father to brian, brian has become a big brother to my brothers. i have been blessed to see them at church, and watch people admire what good people they are. i have had the opportunity to proudly introduce them to my friends and neighbors, and brag about how great they are to their new acquaintances. and i wont get to do that anymore. i wont get to celebrate the small things that warrant a special dinner. i wont get to do nails with my mom or watch football with my dad while eating his signature ribs. sure, i can do that when i visit, but these are aspects of our relationship that have developed after i became an adult, after i got married. having them close has fostered such a strong relationship, and ill be losing that.
justification: i too am the oldest grandchild to my mother's parents. when i was born, we lived close to them in New Jersey. but when i was 6 months old, my dad was stationed in AZ, and they moved. if they can do it without killing themselves with guilt, so can i. the only difference is my grandparents knew the risk with an army son in law.
anxiety: my parents have been really supportive of us and want us to do what is best for our family. but ive struggled with the knowledge of their hurt, and ive worried and stressed and cried over what they arent saying-that they are crushed. i worry we've disappointed them.
divided: i want to tell them how i feel, but to do so would be to admit to brian just how difficult this is for me. granted, he already knows. but this is difficult for him too, and i dont want to ruin his excitement by dwelling on my hurt. but to keep it in makes them feel like i dont care. so i do a poor job of straddling the line.
when i think about leaving them, i sob. sure, i can skim over it in passing, talk about the logistics of moving away from my parents, without really feeling it. but when i really think about it, im a wreck. writing this post has been so difficult, both to articulate and to see the screen through salt water. i used to scoff at those people who couldnt stomach moving away from their parents. actually, i still do under normal circumstances. but this isnt normal. for once i didnt think we would be ships passing in the night- for the first time in my life, my parents are planning on staying in one place, probably until at least my dad retirement in 10 years. i thought i would watch my parents be grandparents as my baby girl grew, that they might be here for her first steps, her first word; that i could run away on a mom date when i needed a break and catch a movie and popcorn with my madre; that id be here when my little brother got home from his mission; that i would be cleaning up the remains of my dogs destruction after they watched him for us.
i guess its not meant to be. and that hurts. more than i ever thought it would, and more than id ever prepared for. i put on a good show, saying its difficult but we will all get over it.
but im not over it yet.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
d is for...
as many of you know, we moved to concord about a year and a half ago, right out of school. i studied for and took the CA bar and brian worked in the city. we got a dog and had a baby, and settled in.
our 5th wedding anniversary is fast approaching, and in that time, we have moved 5 times (not including our first apt together or our brief stint living at brians grandmas). but before we hit 5 years, that number will yet again increase.
because d is for denver. or doomsday.
brian has been offered a great job in Denver, and through all our conversations and contemplation, one thing has been clear-this opportunity will be better for our family in both the short and long term.
and for the first time in a long time, im having a hard time moving.
growing up i moved alot-the side effect of military moves/a dad with itchy feet-but only after living in a place for several years. in some ways, that was really hard; everyone had made friends, was involved in the community and church, had solid jobs and networks, ect. our moves as a couple have been very different-1.5 years is the longest we have lived in any one place (though sometimes in similar areas), and in some ways thats what makes this move even harder; we thought we would stay for a while, so we put down roots and got settled, only to suddenly be uprooted again.
brian is very excited. this is a great opportunity for him career-wise, and he is excited to be in a better environment, venturing into a new area of design, and feeling more financially secure.
i am less excited. im licensed here in CA (after spending a year of my life devoted to the bar), i have alot of great friends here, and my parents recently relocated nearby. with a new baby, the network i have has been a life saver and im (surprisingly) loving being a stay at home mom. coming to grips with leaving all of that behind has been really difficult. im terrified of being in a new city, stuck at home with a dog and a baby, with no friends and no career. really, this is my friends' faults; if they werent so great, i wouldnt care so much. kidding. my friends here are irreplaceable and fantastic, and i dont expect to find people just like them, but ive been so blessed to have them in my life so far, and i hope to keep those friendships strong even with distance.
ultimately, ive seen how excited brian is about the job, and how badly they want him. ive always said that i would follow his career since i had no intention of being the main breadwinner (by choice...i dont handle that kind of pressure and stress very well), and this is my chance to really live up to my word. that doesnt mean i wont mourn my losses-the close vicinity to friends and family, the cute nursery i spent so much time on, the perfect weather, the time i spent studying for the ca bar. but im trying hard not to wallow in them.
and that doesnt mean ill wear as much fleece as the locals. no way.
soon ill be able to add colorado to new jersey, arizona, germany, utah, washington, southern ca, and the bay area.
our 5th wedding anniversary is fast approaching, and in that time, we have moved 5 times (not including our first apt together or our brief stint living at brians grandmas). but before we hit 5 years, that number will yet again increase.
because d is for denver. or doomsday.
brian has been offered a great job in Denver, and through all our conversations and contemplation, one thing has been clear-this opportunity will be better for our family in both the short and long term.
and for the first time in a long time, im having a hard time moving.
growing up i moved alot-the side effect of military moves/a dad with itchy feet-but only after living in a place for several years. in some ways, that was really hard; everyone had made friends, was involved in the community and church, had solid jobs and networks, ect. our moves as a couple have been very different-1.5 years is the longest we have lived in any one place (though sometimes in similar areas), and in some ways thats what makes this move even harder; we thought we would stay for a while, so we put down roots and got settled, only to suddenly be uprooted again.
brian is very excited. this is a great opportunity for him career-wise, and he is excited to be in a better environment, venturing into a new area of design, and feeling more financially secure.
i am less excited. im licensed here in CA (after spending a year of my life devoted to the bar), i have alot of great friends here, and my parents recently relocated nearby. with a new baby, the network i have has been a life saver and im (surprisingly) loving being a stay at home mom. coming to grips with leaving all of that behind has been really difficult. im terrified of being in a new city, stuck at home with a dog and a baby, with no friends and no career. really, this is my friends' faults; if they werent so great, i wouldnt care so much. kidding. my friends here are irreplaceable and fantastic, and i dont expect to find people just like them, but ive been so blessed to have them in my life so far, and i hope to keep those friendships strong even with distance.
ultimately, ive seen how excited brian is about the job, and how badly they want him. ive always said that i would follow his career since i had no intention of being the main breadwinner (by choice...i dont handle that kind of pressure and stress very well), and this is my chance to really live up to my word. that doesnt mean i wont mourn my losses-the close vicinity to friends and family, the cute nursery i spent so much time on, the perfect weather, the time i spent studying for the ca bar. but im trying hard not to wallow in them.
and that doesnt mean ill wear as much fleece as the locals. no way.
soon ill be able to add colorado to new jersey, arizona, germany, utah, washington, southern ca, and the bay area.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
armpits from heaven
if you know me in real life, or you have read my blog enough, you know there is no risk of me oversharing.
its a guarantee.
lets be real. we all struggle with the same things, so why color it rose-tinted when we can all feel a little less alone if we are all just honest about it?
so today we can all feel a little less alone in having dark armpits.
if you know what im talking about, yay you arent alone! if not, thank me for not taking a picture of my own pits for your viewing pleasure.
a few months ago, during lovely swimsuit season, i realized my armpits were quite unsightly. with my olive skin, i scar darkly, and i wasnt sure if this was just how my skin was pigmented or if it was a scarring of some sort or what.
so i decided i was going to try to find a way to lighten them up. off to trusty pinterest we go! but everything i found included making weird concoctions of lemon juice and baking soda, and not shaving or deodorizing. and it was freaking hot. and i was holy pregnant. and there was no way i was going to smell funky with the mass amounts of sweat hot pregnant ladies are bound to create.
and then i had a baby. and i lost interest in my armpits. go figure.
AND THEN THE MAGIC HAPPENED.
somehow i stumbled onto a magical armpit-lightening agent right in my shower. and i didnt smell weird or have to use less deodorant or anything.
cetaphil is the antidote to dark pits. i just have the cleanser and in the shower i was noticing that when i used it on my pits, it was reacting to something and changing consistency. i figured it was my deodorant and thought nothing of it.
until last week. and my armpits are no longer dark and scary looking. yay!
now go, and use this fabulous and gentle stuff and banish those dark armpits. its perfect time too, cuz you got like 8 months til the next swimsuit season.
its a guarantee.
lets be real. we all struggle with the same things, so why color it rose-tinted when we can all feel a little less alone if we are all just honest about it?
so today we can all feel a little less alone in having dark armpits.
if you know what im talking about, yay you arent alone! if not, thank me for not taking a picture of my own pits for your viewing pleasure.
a few months ago, during lovely swimsuit season, i realized my armpits were quite unsightly. with my olive skin, i scar darkly, and i wasnt sure if this was just how my skin was pigmented or if it was a scarring of some sort or what.
so i decided i was going to try to find a way to lighten them up. off to trusty pinterest we go! but everything i found included making weird concoctions of lemon juice and baking soda, and not shaving or deodorizing. and it was freaking hot. and i was holy pregnant. and there was no way i was going to smell funky with the mass amounts of sweat hot pregnant ladies are bound to create.
and then i had a baby. and i lost interest in my armpits. go figure.
AND THEN THE MAGIC HAPPENED.
somehow i stumbled onto a magical armpit-lightening agent right in my shower. and i didnt smell weird or have to use less deodorant or anything.
cetaphil is the antidote to dark pits. i just have the cleanser and in the shower i was noticing that when i used it on my pits, it was reacting to something and changing consistency. i figured it was my deodorant and thought nothing of it.
until last week. and my armpits are no longer dark and scary looking. yay!
now go, and use this fabulous and gentle stuff and banish those dark armpits. its perfect time too, cuz you got like 8 months til the next swimsuit season.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
2 months of love
baby girl is 2 months old.
TWO MONTHS.
she has totally consumed my life for 2 months, and i dont even know where all the time has gone. i had no idea id like being a mom so much, but i do. she is way fun to hang out with, and she is my buddy-going with me everywhere. it helps that i have a ton of friends around, and now i can go to the park with a kid, instead of being that creeper without a child.
brecken had her 2 month appointment yesterday; she is 10 lbs 12 oz, and 23 inches long...a long skinny girl! and so stinking cute. she loves being naked, listening to brian sing, standing up and looking around, and......SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT. its amazing.
aaaaaand ive officially become that woman that pretty much only posts about her child. im sure something more interesting will come along at some point, and ill write about that, but since my life is all baby and dog, its hard to talk about anything else at the moment. mostly just because there isnt much else to talk about...
instead of talking about the sweetness, let me tell you about the most awesome invention ever: the snotsucker. exactly what it sounds like.
instead of using those stupid bulb syringes to get boogers out of a babys nose, you just stick this handy little ditty to the babys nostril, put the tube in your mouth, and suck all the grossness out. yes, there is a filter between boogers and mouth piece, so no, you wont be eating their snot. but holy cow, does it work wonders for a stuffy nose. love is sucking the snot out of your childs face, amiright?
in other news, i have discovered dirty diet coke. diet coke with coconut syrup and lime. and besides making sure my child stays alive, this is the other thing i do-plot when and where i can get my daily dose. just one though (usually), i keep this addiction under control (kind of).
helps me get through all the snot sucking.
more gratuitous baby pictures :)
TWO MONTHS.
she has totally consumed my life for 2 months, and i dont even know where all the time has gone. i had no idea id like being a mom so much, but i do. she is way fun to hang out with, and she is my buddy-going with me everywhere. it helps that i have a ton of friends around, and now i can go to the park with a kid, instead of being that creeper without a child.
brecken had her 2 month appointment yesterday; she is 10 lbs 12 oz, and 23 inches long...a long skinny girl! and so stinking cute. she loves being naked, listening to brian sing, standing up and looking around, and......SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT. its amazing.
aaaaaand ive officially become that woman that pretty much only posts about her child. im sure something more interesting will come along at some point, and ill write about that, but since my life is all baby and dog, its hard to talk about anything else at the moment. mostly just because there isnt much else to talk about...
instead of talking about the sweetness, let me tell you about the most awesome invention ever: the snotsucker. exactly what it sounds like.
instead of using those stupid bulb syringes to get boogers out of a babys nose, you just stick this handy little ditty to the babys nostril, put the tube in your mouth, and suck all the grossness out. yes, there is a filter between boogers and mouth piece, so no, you wont be eating their snot. but holy cow, does it work wonders for a stuffy nose. love is sucking the snot out of your childs face, amiright?
in other news, i have discovered dirty diet coke. diet coke with coconut syrup and lime. and besides making sure my child stays alive, this is the other thing i do-plot when and where i can get my daily dose. just one though (usually), i keep this addiction under control (kind of).
helps me get through all the snot sucking.
more gratuitous baby pictures :)
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
first month of parenthood
if you read my last post, life cycle of a whale, you know that i was kind of freaking out about having a kid. like, a real life baby human. i really was. not in a “i regret this” kind of way, but in a “i have no idea what im doing and im sort of terrified im going to screw it up” kind of way. im still terrified im going to screw it up, and i still have no idea what im doing. but holy cow, she is the cutest and sweetest thing to ever happen to us.
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| tummy time |
the sweetness is now a month old. WHERE DID THAT MONTH GO?! the first few nights getting barely more than a couple hours of sleep seem like a lifetime ago, and yet just yesterday.
i want her to stay tiny. FOR.EV.ER.
and no one told me that breastfeeding is seriously something dreamt up in S&M circles. because, pain.
ok folks, im about to get seriously sappy here:
she has brought so much love into our lives. you hear (at least i did) that having a kid doesnt take love away from others, but instead it just makes more room in your heart for more love. its true. i dont even have to think about it-i love her. its not like the kind of love i have for my husband or anyone else. it just is. like you cant help but love this little person because its not logical to do anything else. this isnt a new concept to me, but the truth of it is still poignant.
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| velociraptor baby! |
of course, i also cried many tears of frustration too. and stress. and fear. and exhaustion. having a kid is scary and hard. my whole life is dedicated to keeping this tiny human alive and happy and sometimes that seems next to impossible. or at least like the more happy they are, the more exhausted you become.
in the midst of all of this new life thing happening, the circle of life is continuing in our family. brians grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in april and just a few days before breckens birth, we learned that she had only a few months left to live.
at the beginning of september, i was able to take brecken to meet her great grandmother, and let grandma meet her first great granddaughter. it was a bittersweet moment, seeing grandma’s eyes well up with tears as she held brecken for what she knew would be the last time. it was incredible to give her that gift, to see the love she had for this sweet little baby and how it lifted her spirits. brecken will never remember feeling those frail arms hold her tight, but i hope she will someday treasure knowing how much joy she brought her great grandmother in her last days.
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| great grandma boyer |
as it turns out, our timing could not have been better-the day we left, grandma went into a coma, and she died 5 days later. its almost like she was holding out to meet this sweet little girl.
this last month has been full of firsts. some good, like first meetings and first grandchild, and some bad, like first projectile poop on my pants and first cracked nipple. but its been so mindblowingly good.
i just wish i could keep her so adorably small.
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| even cobalt likes her |
Brecken's birth story
so you want to hear the nitty gritty on how this whole birth thing went down huh?
i dont blame you, im kind of morbidly nosey like that too.
now, i am kind of writing this more for me than for you, so if its REALLY detailed on mundane things, sorry, and skip ahead for the more graphic things :)
Thursday, August 8th, 2013
6:00 PM. ive been with my grandparents who are visiting from NJ via VA all day. we went to the jelly belly factory and took a tour and bought jelly beans and chocolate afterwards. grandpa was grumpy because the tour line was so long and he wanted to go to the john muir house tour instead. granny and i overruled him. brian was still at work and i decided to stay for dinner at my parents house to eat with the family. they were having spaghetti, but i ordered the prego pizza (basically a supreme pizza with insane amounts of garlic, onion, and meat. the perfect pizza) from the local pizza place. its supposedly guaranteed to put you into labor.
6:30 PM. we sat down to eat. my dog was whining so i got up. i felt a little trickle when i stood but ignored it. it was weird, but so are womens bodies. a few minutes later, i got up again, and it happened again. then i started to wonder whats going on.
6:45 PM. i was uncomfortable in my maternity shorts and asked my little brother for a pair of basketball shorts to wear. i was anticipating an evening of football (49ers first preseason game-im not a fan of the niners, but i like football so ill watch anyways) and would rather be comfortable. seth made a sarcastic comment about “you better take these off if you go into labor.” i stood up to go change. unmistakable trickle. slight panic. ran to the bathroom. inspected shorts. shorts wet. maybe its butt sweat? it WAS hot today... peed while i thought. cracked door open and called for my mom, cuz that what every girl does when she panics, right? i was suddenly having flashbacks to when i started my period and i also called my mom to come rescue me while sitting on the porcelain throne. while waiting for her, another trickle. confer with madre and confirmed suspicions-water must have broken. only she doesnt really know either cuz the one time her water broke, it was a flood not a trickle. CRAP.
7:00 PM. i rushed home to meet up with brian and get the hospital phone number i was supposed to have pinned to my shirt long ago. luckily, our bags were mostly packed (im type A, remember?), so at least i wasnt worrying about that. the hospital confirmed that it sounds like my water has broken and i should come in to double check. we decided to take our time and not rush since they would admit me. collected the dog, packed brians things, made sure we have everything. we dropped the dog off at my parents house and headed to the hospital.
9:00 PM. we got to labor and delivery. the hospital is only 20 mins from our house, but like i said, we really took our time. in triage, i changed into a gown and peed into a cup and waited for a nurse. the nurse tested for the presence of amniotic fluid, which requires the use of a microscope (and took forever because it would trickle every time the little litmus paper wasnt around to trickle on), and brian and the nurse had a fabulous time looking at the specimen and chatting about how it looks until the midwife caught brian staring at the slide unattended.
10:00 PM. Confirmed: my water broke. now im admitted. and i leak water from triage to the room. awkward. then its sit and wait. i wasnt really having contractions-i have to look at the monitor to see if i am, and i only feel one out of 5, but barely.
10:00 PM. Confirmed: my water broke. now im admitted. and i leak water from triage to the room. awkward. then its sit and wait. i wasnt really having contractions-i have to look at the monitor to see if i am, and i only feel one out of 5, but barely.
Friday, August 9th
12 AM. they finally stopped hooking me up to junk and testing me and blah blah blah. as far as we know, i was dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced, as evidenced by the last drs appointment, but they wont check me again because my water broke. i was still not “in labor.” the midwife put me on some drug that helps with effacement, but can also trigger contractions.
1 AM. we tried to get some sleep. which is crap cuz they come in every 5 minutes, but we tried anyway. he succeeds mostly. i dont.
4 AM. i was having more contractions, but still only barely. they were a little uncomfortable but thats it, and 5-7 mins apart. so, not really labor. they suspected the contractions are more a result of the drug than my body actually doing the work, so we waited some more.
8 AM. contractions basically stopped, so it was definitely the drug causing them. this gave rise to a heated dispute between the midwife and nurse about whether to give me more of it. midwife says yes, nurse says no. midwife wins, and i was given the drug again. i was just in favor of whatever would get this party started, cuz i was feeling like a guest who showed up only to be told i got the time wrong and now i have to help setup, and i was starting to not be so excited about the awesome food and music and people who will show up later.
throughout the day: i walked the halls. alot. i got monitored alot. we brought the harry potter movie series because of the sheer number of hours it contains, and its a good thing we did, cuz the tv offered little distraction that we can both agree on. so we watched alot of harry potter. eventually my mom showed up and hung out with us. my contractions were all over and stop and start, but were still just slightly uncomfortable. i was starting to hope im one of “those women” who has virtually painless labor.
5 PM. i was getting tired of hearing that im not in labor. thanks, thats helpful. the cool nurse that admitted me was back on shift again and he told me the next step is pitocin. i was concerned about that because i wanted to go natural and i had heard horror stories about how pitocin makes labor hell and you usually need an epidural if you get pitocin. he told me how the hospital does it compared to others and assured me that i could do natural with it, but i could always come off it if i didnt like it. i decided id see if i went into labor on my own between then and 8 pm. and id reconsider at 8.
8 PM. still no progress. its been 24 hours now of basically nothing. so the options were: wait around until my body did its thing (meanwhile racking up the hospital bill and going delirious with boredom), or start pitocin and do the thing already. im sold-pitocin it is.
9 PM. started the pitocin. nurse said the aim was to have contractions 2-3 mins apart and not be able to talk through them. sweet, i had a goal to work towards instead of this amorphous “active labor.”
Saturday, August 10th (these times are much more approximate, as i was only kind of conscious of anything other than the bowling ball between my hip bones.)
12 AM. i think im at the goal. 2-3 mins apart and i was not talking through the contractions- i was mostly just grunting at brian when he wasnt close enough to me for me to lean on. at this point, i was hooked up to IVs (pitocin and other fluids) and the monitors (both contractions and baby heart beat) and my only options of positions were standing and sitting/laying down. sitting was killing my back/butt and laying down was like the worst position for the contractions. so i was standing. my feet were starting to hurt and i really needed to pee so they unhooked me so i could go to the bathroom. while i was in the bathroom, my mom talked to the new nurse on duty about my progress. this new nurse told my mom while i was in the bathroom that she thought i was still not in labor and that it was going to be at least 10 hours until i had a baby. when i emerged from the bathroom, i was pissed: a. yes, NOW im in labor. maybe chemically induced, and maybe not in transition yet, but this is def labor, thankyouverymuch. b. you are a new nurse, who has barely come on, and you have never met me, so dont presume to know everything about the sitch the second you walk in here. c. you could have had the balls to say that to MY face, instead of while you think im out of earshot. needless to say, i kind of freaked out. i was mad at the nurse, and frustrated because this was not going the way i was hoping it would. because i was being monitored constantly, i had very little room to move in general, but the baby was so far down that the monitor barely stayed in place even when i was standing, and any movement caused them to lose the signal. i felt trapped standing but i really wanted to kneel down like we had practiced.
12:30 AM. my mom decided to leave and get a few hours of sleep. i decided that i was going to do whatever the hell i wanted and the nurse could come hold the monitor in place if she really wanted the heartbeat that badly. i climbed up on the bed on my knees and brought the head of the bed up to nearly vertical (labor beds are crap for sleep, but awesome for this) so i could rest my elbows on the top.
12:45 AM. out of nowhere, i had a seriously intense, sudden, and sharp pain from my pelvis area. it felt like the baby kicked really hard right where the monitor rested and there was a seemingly audible thump. it was so sudden and painful that it almost knocked the wind out of me. i was still dealing with it when i had another contraction and i got nauseous. i figured it was from kneeling on the bed and was probably cutting off circulation in my knees so i got off the bed and instead bent over the side of it. a few contractions later, which were now more painful than before, i say to brian, “i feel like i need to push.” he wanted to get the nurse, but i was still irritated at her. im convinced she will think im an idiot because as far as we knew i was still at a 3. who wants to push at a 3? she came in and brian asked her what kind of things he should tell her. she said any sudden changes in pain levels or a need to push or poop. brian kind of glared at me cuz both of those things have just happened but i shook him off.
1 AM. I had the push feeling again and i told brian to go ahead and get the nurse this time. she kind of dragged her feet but admitted i “looked a little different” than i did a few minutes ago, whatever that meant. i started shaking and my teeth were chattering, and i realized that i read somewhere about that being a body response to the immediate effects of labor. she checked me and low and behold, i was now an 8 and still only 80% effaced. brian was immediately on the phone with my mom telling her to get down here. the nurse surmised that the thing i thought was a kick was actually the baby dropping into the birth canal. drop? you mean freaking crashed through my pelvis.
1:15 AM. transition sucks. brian was such a great coach and was helping me remember to breathe and focus on that instead of the push feeling. i couldnt push yet because i wasnt totally effaced but right then i was not thinking about pushing, just finding a good position. laying down was incredibly painful, so i was back standing at the side of bed, bent over it. less painful, but now i was throwing up. lovely. all those labor videos your watch dont mention vomit.
1:40 AM. i needed to push. BAD. i could barely control it. brian was phenomenal at helping me breathe and focus, but thats just not enough to control that push feeling. its not just a feeling-its what my body was doing, and i had to try to distract myself and stop it as much as possible. like trying to not barf halfway through-impossible. at one point, i couldnt avoid pushing, and suddenly a flood of amniotic fluid with the force and rage of a river tore through my body. ugh, that was one of the worst feelings ever. i was suddenly standing in a puddle. i remember apologizing, mostly for pushing when i wasnt supposed to, but also for the new lake on the floor.
2 AM. i have to push. I HAVE TO PUSH. i cant stop it any more. they got me back on the bed to make sure i was fully effaced before they gave me the go ahead. now im cleared for take off. at this point, i wish i had changed position, but i was just thinking about how relieved i was that i didnt have to fight the push anymore. the plan was that i push three times with every contraction, taking huge breaths and holding them while i push. brian and my mom helped hold my legs cuz i just couldnt do all those things at one time and do them all well-i can multitask, but come on. after a few contractions, i started to feel light headed, and in between contractions i was lying lifeless trying to clear my head of the fog and get enough air. my lack of oxygen was affecting the baby’s heartrate, which had started dropping, so they gave brian an oxygen mask to put on my face. he says my mouth was starting to turn blue between pushes before they gave me the mask.
2:20ish AM. my midwife told me she is going to tell me to stop at some point to help me avoid ripping. i was relieved cuz i really didnt want to rip or be cut. she told me to stop and i did-that was so much easier than not pushing when in transition. i could feel stretching and she predicted good things. a couple pushes later, and i could feel the head crowning, which was both incredible and painful. they talk call it the ring of fire-such an accurate description! the burning stretch! after three pushes, the midwife told me i could push one more time and the babys head will probably come out. i was wiped so i say no, lets wait. she seemed to like this idea because she starts applauding the stretch that is inevitably happening and says i wont tear at all-yay! hearing that the baby is almost here, brian, who was holding my hand and brushing my hair back, started giggling which quickly turned to tears streaming down his face. he told me he was proud of me and loves me, which was so sweet. especially since all i was thinking was “dont you dare look down there!” so sweet and romantic of me.
2:25 AM. the next push, the babys head it out! but three pushes later the shoulders still hadnt come out. i had a perfect view of the midwife, and i could see her focusing on getting the baby out.
2:30 AM. after a few minutes of more pushing and no baby, all of a sudden a team of 4 or 5 other people descended on me. they pushed mom and brian out of the way and moved my legs to other positions, some even pushing on my stomach while i pushed. it was kind of scary because i knew something wasnt right. then the midwife whipped out some scissors and cut me. i couldnt feel it but i could hear it, and i looked at brian and said “she cut me!” mostly i was shocked-after trying so hard to make sure i didnt tear, i knew her cutting me had to be a sign of something wrong.
2:35 AM. as soon as the snips were made, the midwife pulled the baby out!
once again, i could tell something was wrong. her face was so dark, almost black in the dim lights of the room, but her hand by her face was so white. seconds later they cut the cord and whisked her away. between getting stuck and the dropped heart rate and the color of her face, they were concerned she wasnt breathing. thankfully she was fine, just extremely bruised and swollen, probably from crashing through my pelvis.
despite being stitched up, one of the sweetest moments was when they brought her back to me-she was screaming but the moment she heard my voice, she stopped. what was even sweeter was that she had the same reaction when she heard brians voice. she clearly knew us, and was comforted by our voices. that was the moment i fell in love.
because id had pitocin and fluids, her weight was artificially bolstered, coming in at 8 lbs 5 oz. but by the time we left the hospital, she was only 7 lbs. thats a big weight difference, even for hospital weight loss, and the drs were concerned for a while, but after coming to the conclusion that the weight was wrong, they cleared her. she is a tall and skinny girl, starting at 20 ¾ in long.
i know this was full of details and was super long, but if you made it all the way through, good job and i hope you enjoyed it!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
the life cycle of a whale.
guys.
im huge.
its a good thing d-day is almost here, cuz ive been getting "you are due any day now, huh?" for the last month. ive decided that being told im tiny is much preferable to being told i look like a beached whale.
also, ive been asked multiple times if i can drive. whats up with that? IM PREGNANT, NOT PARALYZED. of course i can drive. just dont ask me to bend over.
im 38 weeks now. behold, the fatness in all her glory!
the other night, i told brian, in complete terror, "we could have a baby any time now. like, in two weeks, we might already be dealing with a screaming infant. holy crap."
he apparently missed the drama of the scenario, because his only reply was a mildy-amused-at-my-crazy-wife, "yep."
the nursery is almost done (just need the changing table/dresser my dad is making and to hang a few things), the bags are mostly packed, we have clothes and diapers and baby books, i am as prepared as im gonna get for a natural labor. what else is there?
OH YEAH, THE BABY. who the hell thought it was a good idea to trust me with one of those??
with about 2 weeks left, i guess its a little late now...
im huge.
its a good thing d-day is almost here, cuz ive been getting "you are due any day now, huh?" for the last month. ive decided that being told im tiny is much preferable to being told i look like a beached whale.
also, ive been asked multiple times if i can drive. whats up with that? IM PREGNANT, NOT PARALYZED. of course i can drive. just dont ask me to bend over.
im 38 weeks now. behold, the fatness in all her glory!
 |
| who needs a maternity photographer when youve got a phone and a mirror? |
the other night, i told brian, in complete terror, "we could have a baby any time now. like, in two weeks, we might already be dealing with a screaming infant. holy crap."
he apparently missed the drama of the scenario, because his only reply was a mildy-amused-at-my-crazy-wife, "yep."
the nursery is almost done (just need the changing table/dresser my dad is making and to hang a few things), the bags are mostly packed, we have clothes and diapers and baby books, i am as prepared as im gonna get for a natural labor. what else is there?
OH YEAH, THE BABY. who the hell thought it was a good idea to trust me with one of those??
with about 2 weeks left, i guess its a little late now...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
all of de mayo (otherwise known as the may update)
my parents moved into town and ive been really busy helping them move in and get settled. i even rode BART at 730 am to Berkeley one day with my mom just so she could get a feel for it when she took it to an interview.
i know, im the worlds best daughter.
in the mean time, im being harassed for baby news. not like there is anything new to tell, besides im getting really fat. and the baby LOVES to kick. alot. i make brian put his hand on my tummy about once a week, and every time he is unimpressed. he thinks i make him feel it every time she moves. he doesnt understand-he feels one:1000 kicks i feel.
one time, i told him to talk to her so she would know his voice. cuz, you know, he is such a big talker and all. so he sticks his face close to my belly button and says, in a voice that sounds about in the 30-40 IQ range (and with a facial expression to match) "hellloooooo babyyyyyy. this is your daddyyyyy speaking."
that was a mistake.
generally, when people ask me how im feeling, i dont have anything to say except "fine." but today? holy crap. i ache. my ribs ache. my back aches. my legs ache. everything feels uncomfortable and painful. i feel and look huge. and i still have 3 months left. i hope this is just the trade off for actually sleeping well last night (which is unusual) and ill go back to feeling fine and sleeping horribly tomorrow.
i guess im ok with feeling grumpy and sore though because at least i dont have to STUDY FOR THE BAR EVER AGAIN!! well, at least not in CA. after 6 months of studying, 6 days of testing, 6 months of waiting, 1 day of self-loathing, and a billion hours of stressing, i passed the CA bar exam. i get sworn in as an atty in CA on june 4th, and it still feels really surreal.
but oh. so. good.
so if anyone wants to find me a part time job in the bay area, that would be stellar.
and now for some gratuitous tummy pictures, which i refuse to post on facebook, and for which people for some reason keep asking to see (why?! its a ginormous abdomen, nothing that exciting, i promise):
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| 26 weeks. cobalt likes to photobomb. |
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| laughing at the photobombing dog. brian likes this one. |
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| 28 weeks. distracted by my dog again. im starting to see a theme here. |
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| the babydog. just because. he is cute. |
people keep telling me im small. i keep thinking they are crazy.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Gluten Free Asiago Pasta with a side of best friends
it has been a CRAZY couple of weeks. crazy, i tell you.
my best friend lisa came to town and boy, we made an ugly of it. because both of us are poor, we didnt do alot of things that cost money, though i did alot of driving. we drove around the city, drove around oakland, drove to reno...drive drive drive. ok, maybe it wasnt THAT crazy. but it was so fun, and chill, and relaxing. and just....nice. its so nice to have a friend who knows your history without having to relive your high water pants, brace face, and hair disasters just to get the point across.
because my family moved alot, i dont have a place that i "grew up" but i do have childhood friends-lisa is one of the girl i met and befriended in 6th grade. 16 years later, we are still best friends. and thats the only bit of having a "childhood place" that i have. and i am grateful for friends like her, cuz i seem to have gotten the best part of the deal.
in reno, we hung out with eileen, another childhood friend-and while we all have seen each other over the years, the three of us have never been together-until now!
but now lisa has left, and its back to every day life. one of the things i have tried to do more often recently (now that, you know, i have time to do something other than stuff sugar into my mouth while i study for the bar) is cook dinner. ambitious, i tell ya.
i heart cooking. i dunno when this happened. i remember getting a childs cookbook when i was about 8 and my parents had me help them cook dinner one night. i hated every second of it. in between stirring the spaghetti sauce, i screamed at my parents about how stupid it was that i had to cook. i could survive on wheat bread and bologna and oreos for the rest of my life, thankyouverymuch. no cooking required. the next 10 years didnt change anything; my mom told me, as she dropped me off at my dorm my first year of college (complete with a meal plan at the dorm cafeteria) , that if i had to cook for myself, id starve. thanks for the vote of confidence, mom. i ended up avoiding the cafeteria most days, and lived almost entirely on cheddar cheese, rolls with nutella, and dry lucky charms. and i was happy.
so happy.
and then life blew up on me.
or, at least, my body decided it hated the food pyramid and would rather live a life confined to a food trapezoid instead.
i was diagnosed with celiac disease. a difficult diagnosis for the average gluten consumer, but devastating for a girl with a pure italian great grandmother, raised on pasta, and who was known among her family as "the Bread Queen."
BUT I WILL HAVE MY PASTA!!!
and i do! some good gluten free pasta works wonders, and my favorite brand is Tinkyada. almost imperceptibly different.
now that spring/summer is definitely upon us, i wanted to make a lighter pasta dish. this recipe was inspired by a good friend of mine who frequents farmers markets-lots of fresh veggies tossed with the pasta and sprinkled with asiago cheese. MMMMMMM! and between my high maintenance eating and me and lisa's minimal budgets, this dinner was amazing. nomnomnomnom....
Asiago Pasta
(forgive the lack of pictures...i was busy stuffing my face)
8 oz pasta (i recommend penne or spirals [gluten free of otherwise])
1 zucchini, sliced and quartered
1 yellow squash, sliced and quartered
1 bell pepper, sliced and halved
1/2 carton sliced mushrooms
1/2 onion, sliced and halved
grape tomatoes, halved
fresh basil, chopped (optional)
1 cup grated asiago cheese (you can use any hard cheese like parmesan if you prefer)
cook the pasta in a pot of salted water. drain and set aside.
slice up the veggies. in a large pan (i mean LARGE, you are gonna have to dump the pasta into here too later), heat over medium high heat and drizzle with olive oil. add the bell pepper onion and mushrooms to the pan. let saute for a few minutes.
add the tomatoes, zucchini and squash to the pan. saute about 10-15 minutes. this part is really up to you though: the longer, the softer the veggies. if you like them crunchier, then cut down the time.
season veggies with salt, pepper, and garlic while cooking.
add the pasta to the pan and toss together. sprinkle the basil and cheese over the pasta, tossing as you go. toss over heat until the cheese is melted, or continue until the cheese gets crunchy in spots.
ENJOY!
disclaimer: i do no pretend to be a food blogger. i did not facetiously take pictures while i was cooking to make it appear as such. i just love food. alot. alotalotalot.
 |
| ugly action with the dog. |
because my family moved alot, i dont have a place that i "grew up" but i do have childhood friends-lisa is one of the girl i met and befriended in 6th grade. 16 years later, we are still best friends. and thats the only bit of having a "childhood place" that i have. and i am grateful for friends like her, cuz i seem to have gotten the best part of the deal.
 |
| the three musketeers, reunited! |
but now lisa has left, and its back to every day life. one of the things i have tried to do more often recently (now that, you know, i have time to do something other than stuff sugar into my mouth while i study for the bar) is cook dinner. ambitious, i tell ya.
i heart cooking. i dunno when this happened. i remember getting a childs cookbook when i was about 8 and my parents had me help them cook dinner one night. i hated every second of it. in between stirring the spaghetti sauce, i screamed at my parents about how stupid it was that i had to cook. i could survive on wheat bread and bologna and oreos for the rest of my life, thankyouverymuch. no cooking required. the next 10 years didnt change anything; my mom told me, as she dropped me off at my dorm my first year of college (complete with a meal plan at the dorm cafeteria) , that if i had to cook for myself, id starve. thanks for the vote of confidence, mom. i ended up avoiding the cafeteria most days, and lived almost entirely on cheddar cheese, rolls with nutella, and dry lucky charms. and i was happy.
so happy.
and then life blew up on me.
or, at least, my body decided it hated the food pyramid and would rather live a life confined to a food trapezoid instead.
i was diagnosed with celiac disease. a difficult diagnosis for the average gluten consumer, but devastating for a girl with a pure italian great grandmother, raised on pasta, and who was known among her family as "the Bread Queen."
BUT I WILL HAVE MY PASTA!!!
and i do! some good gluten free pasta works wonders, and my favorite brand is Tinkyada. almost imperceptibly different.
now that spring/summer is definitely upon us, i wanted to make a lighter pasta dish. this recipe was inspired by a good friend of mine who frequents farmers markets-lots of fresh veggies tossed with the pasta and sprinkled with asiago cheese. MMMMMMM! and between my high maintenance eating and me and lisa's minimal budgets, this dinner was amazing. nomnomnomnom....
 |
| horrible picture, i know. but soooo good. |
(forgive the lack of pictures...i was busy stuffing my face)
8 oz pasta (i recommend penne or spirals [gluten free of otherwise])
1 zucchini, sliced and quartered
1 yellow squash, sliced and quartered
1 bell pepper, sliced and halved
1/2 carton sliced mushrooms
1/2 onion, sliced and halved
grape tomatoes, halved
fresh basil, chopped (optional)
1 cup grated asiago cheese (you can use any hard cheese like parmesan if you prefer)
cook the pasta in a pot of salted water. drain and set aside.
slice up the veggies. in a large pan (i mean LARGE, you are gonna have to dump the pasta into here too later), heat over medium high heat and drizzle with olive oil. add the bell pepper onion and mushrooms to the pan. let saute for a few minutes.
add the tomatoes, zucchini and squash to the pan. saute about 10-15 minutes. this part is really up to you though: the longer, the softer the veggies. if you like them crunchier, then cut down the time.
season veggies with salt, pepper, and garlic while cooking.
add the pasta to the pan and toss together. sprinkle the basil and cheese over the pasta, tossing as you go. toss over heat until the cheese is melted, or continue until the cheese gets crunchy in spots.
ENJOY!
disclaimer: i do no pretend to be a food blogger. i did not facetiously take pictures while i was cooking to make it appear as such. i just love food. alot. alotalotalot.
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